After yesterday, I don't know that I am feeling this. Yesterday started so right. Breakfast bar, lots of water, hit the gym for Cardio Sculpt...which I would have sworn to you I had taken before but after spending over an hour in that class? I must have mixed it up with something else. Not only did you need a step, you also needed 2 different kinds of weights, 2 different kinds of exercise bands, a mat, and these weird circle things that made it easy to glide on the floor.
Just over 10 minutes into the class I'm looking over everyone else from my safe spot in the back row and am realizing that I am one of the biggest ones in the class. Also? There is more than a handful of older... I'm just going to call them elderly (especially the guy near me) who are kicking ass. And I am having trouble breathing and keeping up 10 minutes in.
Then it happens.
I start to feel weird and see these giant dark spots in front of me. I honestly thought I was about to pass right out. Grabbed my water and made my way to the locker room because no way was I going down in that class in front of everyone. Sat down on a bench and about 5 minutes later I was OK again. So strange. I gave myself every reason not to go back in, but decided I needed to stick with it. And in I went.
Barely made it through the class.
At one point I'm looking at everyone in the mirror and silently hating on all the people who seem to be doing awesome. You know, everyone else but me and one girl near me. It is right there the flashback hits me. I am 19. I'm at UMASS Amherst and I am rocking all the aerobics and step classes... front row at the mirrors... dressed in just a sports bra and sweatpants, hair pulled up in a pony tail thinking I look all fly... and starting to learn how to teach the classes to be an instructor myself.
The one who could fit into this dress.
And I hated 19 year old me. Just who did she think she was anyway? 34 year old me wanted to tell her a thing of two about what life would be like after she had 3 kids in the span 18 months.
Again I was already formulating the blog post in my head about how much the class sucked and how I wouldn't be back to that one. But staring into that mirror I couldn't stop thinking about damn 19 year old me. After class I went up to the instructor and asked if there was a class I should take before this since I am so clearly out of shape... but nope, somehow she talked me into sticking with this one... just doing some level 1 stuff while others switch to level 2 and 3. She was really sweet, and she told me to stick with it. And I left telling her I would be back next Wednesday.
Why does this have to be so hard. And suck so much in the process.
Who's with me. Who wants to beat up that 19 year old in the dress.
I totally get it. When I was at my thinnest, it didn't matter how hard I worked to get there or how good I felt. I still wasn't happy because it wasn't enough. Now, I would kill to get back there. I look at pictures of myself and wonder what the fuck my problem was.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wasn't even 19. It was only 3 years ago. So I get it. We can do this. :)
thanks for the comment robin. :) we CAN do this girl!
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