How to get through airport security (or not)

How to get through airport security:

Stand in no less than 3 different lines, which are lines for the people still waiting to be shuffled into the already full security lines.

Get sent down the airport to a 4th line, only to be sent over to an escalator.

Go up the escalator.  Find that you were chased to the top by an old man who is yelling at you because you have 3 bags and are only allowed to have 2 (which the people running the last 4 lines neglected to mention).

Get sent over to the person running the secrity line who orders you to go check a bag, even though you offer to combine the 2 smaller ones by putting your backpack inside the shoulder bag.

Ask where you go to check a bag because you have no idea.  Nearly cry.  Get yelled at again and ordered back down the escalator you came up on.

Trek back past several lines before someone takes pity on you and asks why you are going the opposite way from everyone else...who then tells you to just combine the 2 smaller bags.  Tell them you were told you couldn't.  He helps you do it to avoid the checked baggage fee and sends you to an entirely different security line.  (Angels do exist.)

Stand in your new security line.  Realize you have been at this for nearly an hour and it isn't even 5:30am yet.  Wonder if you packed that water bottle in the shoulder bag late last night after all.  Dig through quick and find nothing.  Conclude you must have left it behind.

Get detained at security.  Over a water bottle in your shoulder bag.  Because of course.

Hold up the line while everyone behind you gives you the evil eye.

Get sent to have your bags dumped out and put back through individually after the water bottle is tossed out.  Apoligize profusely.

Put all your stuff back in your bags.

Get seated on the plane only to be asked to move out of the only window seat you will be getting so a family with kids can sit together.  Move.  Watch the passengers around you gasp at the sight of a cockroach crawling on the overhead bins.  Wait... that's an entirely different blog post.

True story.