The weight of it all

For the last few years I have felt the weight of this weekend... even if the dates no longer match up.  It is forever tied in my memory to today.  A few weeks ago I started to feel like this year would not be so bad, like as sad as it was I was feeling peace.  With Giuliana on the way any day now, it didn't hurt as much anymore. 

But then I felt guilty... because I wondered if that meant something I didn't want to think about, as if I was forgetting.  I will never forget, I know that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it will never make sense to me (ever), I was finally feeling more at peace with things this weekend. 

Until yesterday...and it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

The boys had their pictures they drew for my grandfather and we were finally getting to go to the hospital to see him.  Just as we were leaving from soccer to head to the hospital, my grandmother called to say the doctors had just come in to run more tests and we could not come down.  The boys were upset, I was upset.  I had hoped to be able to go down myself at some point this weekend but he can't have any visitors again and it is so hard.  There will be another surgery Tuesday and I am falling apart on the inside over it... over wanting to be there, over wanting to DO something... even if there isn't anything to do. 

That combined with feeling like I was forgetting Michael and Gianna (on this of all weekends) ... why does everything always have to be tied into this very weekend... this time of year.  This morning there was almost no part of me that wanted to go to the parade.  I wanted to just get back in bed, pull the covers over my head and call it a day.  But I knew I couldn't.  I picked out red and green shirts for the boys and the Big Guy wore his Italia sweatshirt and off we went to the hill.  I am so glad we did because the boys had a really good time once the parade got started, and the rain actually held off till the end which was amazing.  Watching my kids smile and squeal made me feel better for awhile too.

We stopped at Al's parents house after the parade for a late lunch and the Doodle Bop was kicking me out shortly after.  Um Mommy?  Do you have errands or something to run?  Because I don't want to go... so ... umah
he always says umah when he's thinking... um and ah run right together.  Love it.
umah ... you can like, go now.  I can just stay here.

Point taken.  As Al and I started kissing everyone goodbye, I could hear the Bunny Bee talking to my sister in law in the next room.  She was lying on the couch and he put his head down near hers.  Auntie, did you know my Opa is in the hospital?  He's very sick.  His heart hurts, like the way Nonno's did.

Broke.my.heart.

I want to make everything better - for everyone.  This time around, I don't even know where to start.  Maybe that's the point... sometimes you just can't.  All you can do is pray and hope for the best.  I haven't stopped praying.