Finding our way

Over the past few weeks, Al and I have taken the boys to meet with a few different agencies about representation. Really, they have all been a pretty good fit. And we still have one more to go before making a decision. I realized after the first one, that it isn't just about who says yes we will take the boys on, but its about who is the best fit with our family. Who can help us best navigate the start of all this.

I have to tell the truth here in this space. Sometimes it terrifies me. Am I doing the right thing by my boys. At 6 and 7, they are telling me they want this. They aren't small babies who don't know any different, but at the same time, they aren't teenagers.

Those initial auditions before the boys ever got the role? Only the Doodle Bop really wanted it. The Bunny Bee made it clear that he would do it 'for now' and for the Doodle Bop, but he didn't want to always do it. The Big Guy? Wanted no part. Skipping ahead a few months later, it was something not only all three of the boys wanted, but the only thing the Bunny Bee could seem to talk about. How much he wanted to act. At age five. And now six.

As a mom I have done (and am still doing) more soul searching than you can possibly imagine. Out of nowhere the twins were involved in something really big. Bigger than they can understand at their age. Our whole family got to be involved in one way or another and it was amazing. But I have told them all time and time again ... no matter what ever happens ... we do this for fun. Only for fun. Not for money. Money for college is awesome (and that is where it all goes to wait), but they will not do this solely for money.

If they get another role, that's great. If they don't, that is OK too ... because no matter what I want to keep these kids kids. Sports, friends, school and more.

It's the small changes that I can already see that are tough to sometimes take. That kid who was not ever nice to your child? Suddenly wants to be close friends. Other kids? Continually tell them they 'must be rich'. Where do kids this little even get that from?

I will not be that mom that pushes the boys into any of this while they sit on the side telling me they don't want to do it. I tell them we can stop any time. And that sometimes we may end up going to lots of auditions before we get called back for something. It is not always going to seem as easy as what they went through nearly a year ago now.

Sitting outside one of the agencies we interviewed with, was a mom and her totally adorable small boys. From second one I could tell they didn't want to be there. I was feeling sort of bad. They were out of control, loud, crying ... and all my guys could do was stare at them silently as I tried to get them not to. I thought about all the times the boys were so small and flipped out like that. My first instinct was always to pack them up and go.

Except for that one time the Big Guy was only so many months old and I was at the mall waiting in the Dunkin Donuts line for a coffee while he screamed and cried. And the cashier chastised me for not picking him up. As my eyes filled with tears I wanted to tell her that my child pretty much cried 24/7 at the time, that the doctors didn't know why yet, that even if I picked him up he would still be crying and I just wanted a coffee damn it and we would be leaving. But I kept silent. And sobbed when I got back to the car.

So there was that one time.

Aside from that? My kids were out of hand and I was leaving.

I listened to this mom try to bribe her kids and beg them over and over to behave. And I felt both sorry for her, and a little ... I don't know what ... unsettled. As she ushered them in anyway, I realized that she was not doing this because it was what her kids wanted to try. She was doing it for her. Things got so bad, they actually had to be asked to leave. It was shocking to me.

And again, there I sat questioning myself. Why am I here ... am I doing the right thing. What if I make the wrong decision for my kids.

I'm so thankful to have a husband on the same page as I am. And boys who are telling me this is what they want. Yesterday I tweeted that there should be some support group on Facebook for parents new to the business with their kids. I feel like I could use some help navigating at times. Kris Kardashian I am not.

At an audition? I'll be the parent who doesn't talk to the other parents. Not because I don't want to make a few friends - seeing some familiar faces each trip might be nice. Sitting there listening to parents tick off all their kids credits to each other? Doesn't sound like it's all for fun. And I am still trying to keep this 'fun' for the boys.

The release date is coming closer and closer. Months ago it felt like it would never get here. Now its around the corner and we have all these decisions to make. I know that there might be some mistakes along the way, but we are going to take things slow and see where it leads.